Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Guest Post: Thunder Dog by Kramer James Madding

The Author - Kramer James Madding (photo credit: Allen, you know the guy that lives here)
Allen has been really busy lately with a new job, working with an editor to get his first book ready for publishing, and his infernal need to leave me and Sadie to fend for ourselves while he and mama go traipsing off to the beach. So I got my paws on his login and managed to reach the laptop and figured this was as good a chance as any to try my paws at a little writing. I have laid in that pillowy thing next to his chair and watched him do it for long enough. I figure how hard can it be. I lie around here on the back of the love seat all day looking out the window at the squirrels eating seed out of the bird feeder thinking about all the great stories I have to tell, so why not?

The author and Sadie (photo credit: Allen)

I thought I would write about my biggest fear. Nope, its not the possum that was in the backyard Friday night when I went out to relieve myself before crawling up the big ramp to the big bed and snuggling down between the pillows. Nope. I was not scared of that thing a bit. It looked like a hairless cat to me, and I have plenty of experience scaring cats. A couple of times now I have walked out the back door to see some cat interloping on our deck or in our yard, and I know just what to do. I run toward them, let out a loud and deep WOOF, and then roll on the ground laughing at how fast that run and leap over the fence. So, no. My biggest fear was not that possum. He did not bother me. I did not bother him. Besides, it was late. I was tired and ready to crawl into the big bed. I peed a small pound next to Allen's grill and quietly told the possum to be gone by morning. Silly hairless cat looking thing.

And no, it is not the mailman or the trash truck that comes down our street two days a week. I lay a few bow wows on them from my perch on the back of the love seat, and they quickly move on down the street. You see, they fear me. They recognize the true terror I represent and wisely do not stick around to see me unleash my inner rottweiler.

So  what could strike fear in the heart of a 13 lb long-haired dachshund, you ask? Thunder. Yep. There it is. I admit it. Thunder drives me out of my ever loving mind. Originally as a small pup, I thought it was just me. But after joining TSMA (Thunder Scares Me Anonymous), I have met a few other guys that cannot deal with thunder as well. I cannot reveal names, but one big Marmaduke looking guy in the group says that everytime it thunders, he wets the floor. I am glad I do not have it that bad, but I can sympathize.

When I first moved in with Allen and mama after my first human mom passed away, I was afraid they might send me back to the halfway house when the first big storm came. Fortunately, they did not. I barked and growled and ran out in the rain and barked some more. When I came back in, I was soaked and felt a bit silly. They dried me off with a towel and blocked my flappy door where I could not run back out in the rain.

I kept going to TSMA meetings, but it did not seem to help much. The meetings just seemed to turn into a bunch of butt smelling and everyone wetting on things. But then one day mama showed me this package that the brown truck guy delivered. Yeah, I laid a few bow wows on him for ringing the doorbell while I was trying to sleep. What the hell dude? When she showed me the box, I got all excited. I was hoping it was some more of those pieces of cows I like to chew on, but it was not. It was some piece of cloth. I sniffed it over and said, "I can't eat that" and blew my nose in disgust.

Mama called me back over and put it on me. It was a cape with my name on it. She told me that all heroes wear capes. You know like Underdog! Here I come to save the day! I had my reservations about this whole thing, because I could not draw a real deep breath to lay a good bow wow, and I could not shake real well wearing it. So, I blew my nose in disgust. Mama said when I have it on I am Thunder Dog. I elected to contemplate on that idea a bit after a nice nap. A couple big thunderstorms moved through Atlanta after acquiring this garment of super powers and honestly there may be something to it. As Thunder Dog, I am brave and relaxed during the storms.

For some reason that I have not quite figured out, Allen and mama packed up everything and loaded me and Sadie up and moved us to Florida. It has been interesting. I kind of like it because there are all these neat lizards running around and I can scare the daylights out of them without evening laying down a single bow wow. Those silly things scatter at my mere presence. But Florida weather is a little different than Atlanta. In Atlanta a big storm came in and lasted a day or so. Here, they blow in, the thunder crashes, the lightning flashes, the rain falls and 30 minutes later the sun is shining. So mama has pulled out the cape several times since we moved, and I have gotten to prove my metal as Thunder Dog.

I am beginning to believe this writing stuff is a little harder than I thought. My paws are getting tired, and I am getting sleepy. I think I am gonna sniff Sadie over and make sure she is sleeping OK on the couch and take a nap before Allen and mama get home. If you have something you are afraid of - something that makes you scream and run around like you have lost your mind, I empathize and suggest you ask your mama to buy you a cape. Y'all take it easy.

The Author napping after writing this post (photo credit :Allen)


Thunder Dog
aka Kramer James

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